We attract who we are, not who we want

We love the idea that we can script our future relationships.

Make a list.

Pray over it.

Read it every morning.

Visualize it.

And one day, POOF, the exact friend or partner we described appears.

But here’s the harder truth:

We do not attract who we want.

We attract who we are.

It’s called alignment.

The Energy We Live In Is the Energy We Invite In

If we are grounded, self-aware, and clear on our values, we tend to connect with others who are doing the same. If we are in a season of “hot mess express,” tossed around by emotions, trends, validation, chaos, & comparison, we will often attract people who are also unanchored.

This is not because we’re bad, and it doesn’t mean we are doomed. It is simply because LIKE recognizes LIKE. Two dysregulated nervous systems will find each other. Two avoidant communicators will find each other. Two people who don’t know their boundaries will bond over their lack of them. It feels electric at first. And, it honestly feels validating and comfortably familiar.

Hear me when I say this: Familiar is not always healthy.

Why Self-Reflection Is Not Optional

This is why self-discovery work is not fluffy. It’s foundational.

Understanding your patterns — whether through tools like the Enneagram, personality tests or Human Design isn’t about labels. It’s about awareness.

How do you handle stress? Do you shut down or speed up? Do you overfunction? Underfunction? Do you chase intensity? Avoid conflict? Need constant reassurance?

If you don’t know your patterns, they will run your relationships, and you will keep attracting people who match the unexamined parts of you.

The Mirror Is Honest

At some point, we have to stop asking, “Why do I keep attracting this type of person?” And start asking, “What in me feels familiar to them?”

That question requires courage.

It means looking at:

• How you speak about yourself

• How you tolerate behavior that misaligns with your values

• How you respond when you feel insecure

• Whether your life reflects your stated priorities

Are you living in alignment with your core values, or are you hoping someone else will stabilize what you haven’t yet anchored? We can’t outsource wholeness.

Alignment Attracts Alignment

If you want a calm partner, become someone who regulates.

If you want a loyal friend, become someone who shows up consistently.

If you want depth, practice vulnerability.

If you want emotional maturity, learn to sit with your own emotions first.

You don’t have to do it all perfectly, but it’s worth the effort to give it your best shot authentically. Be the friend you would like to have.

When your thoughts, behaviors, and values align, your relationships shift naturally. You stop chasing people who feel chaotic. You stop entertaining dynamics that exhaust you. You stop confusing chemistry with compatibility. You start recognizing resonance.

Before You Jump Into the Next Relationship

If that honest look in the mirror feels a little lacking, don’t panic.

Do the work.

Get clear on who you actually are. Heal what keeps pulling you into old cycles. Strengthen your boundaries. Regulate your nervous system. Rebuild your self-trust. Become the person you know you were created to be. Do it for yourself and to honor your Creator. And then watch what changes.

The Quiet Truth

You don’t need a better list. You need deeper alignment. When you live rooted, steady, and self-aware, you don’t have to convince the right people to stay. They recognize you. You will soon learn what it feels like to attract from identity rather than from longing and I can’t wait to hear all about it.

Your friends are waiting. But, you don’t have to rush. They will come into your life right on time.

XXOO Jeanna